Burried Treasures, Hidden Trails

Day 3: Buried Treasures, Hidden Trails

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS – NIGHT

Chaotic shouting. Loud rustling sounds of grass and branches being stepped on.

JR
TAKBO! TAKBO!

Jr heaves as he looks back. MR is just behind him, still dragging a petrified Benson.

MR
Anak ng --- BENSON!

He pulls Benson’s arm, he doesn’t move.

BENSON
Othoossss! Othosss!

Heavy TRIBAL sounds echo from the spot were 3 man-figures and a woman are standing.

JR
Syettt! Syetttt!

MR
Yaw! Tulungan mo ako! Anak ng tipaklong yan! Ang haba ni Benson! Ang hirap hilahin!

JR runs towards them so he could help MR drag Benson. They run.

MR
Sabi ko na sainyo! Sabi ko na na may hiwaga sa gubat na to!

JR
Pare, syet…heavy….nakito mo ba yun? Ritual sacrifice! Pero ba’t walang dugo? Bat puro balat ng saging?!

BENSON
Othosss! Othosss!

MR
Eh! Magtigil ka!
[to JR]
Mukang mga maligno…o engkanto…ewan!

He suddenly grimaces.

JR
E-e-em?

MR
[clutching his chest]
Ahhhh –ahhhh!

JR
[stopping]
Em!

MR
Prutas! Prutas PRUTASSS! Ahhh puso ko—puso ko!

He grimaces.

MR
Aataki---a-a-taki---!

He collapses to the ground.

BENSON
[pointing at MR]
Sssst-rok! Strokkkk!

JR
Ano?

He looks down at MR in a seizure.

JR
Stroke!

Looks around, panicking.

JR
Syettt! Syettt! Pano na to?



INT. THE CAVE – DAY

Everyone is preoccupied dealing with last night’s drunkfest.

Brinie is wandering about, bawling.

LEN GO
Hush child! Where are your parents? Where's your daddy? WHERE'S YOUR DADDY?!

BRINIE
Buaaaaahhh!

NINA
Wow, that’s some hangover!

LEN GO
A child?! You let a child drink?

NINA
[shrugging]
I thought she was kidding when she said she was only twelve…

She looks around, frowning.

NINA
[walking away]
And has anyone seen a blue diamond necklace shaped like a heart? No? How about my parasol?

BRINIE
WAAAHHHHH! I want my ayahhh! I want my ----

Isa hears her and rushes to her side.

ISA
Mei-mei! You don’t have an ayah- what you have is an “atsi!” remember? Me! Or wait, is that a “ditsi?”
[hand on hip]
I’m totally having blonde moment...

She thinks.

ISA
Whatever, we’re sisters! Twins! Twins!

CAT-O/ARAM
You called?

They look at Brinie and Isa. Aram and Cat-o pouts, simultaneously putting their hands on their hips.

ISA
Oh, I wasn’t calling you two. I was referring to me and my sister.

He looks at Isa and Brinie.

ARAM
You mean…you two are twins?

ISA
Yeah. I only found out yesterday when I was reunited my fahhhh-ther.

INSERT SHOT

JO
[vader-voice]
I am your Fahhhh-therrrrr!

End Shot.

ISA
[hugging Brinie who is still crying]
Isn’t that just fab?

ARAM
Fab? No it’s not fab. It’s crazy! You can’t be twins! You don’t look alike!

CAT-O
Yeah! Twins are supposed to look alike, duh! Look at us, we’re identical.

They pose, fingers on their lips.

KARREN
[snorting as she cleans her gun]
That must have been one messed up mirror you were looking at…

ARAM/CAT-O
Excuseeee us?

KARREN
[raising her gun to inspect it]
You two don’t look anything alike.

An offended gasp from the twins.

CAT-O
[gaping]
How dare you! How dare you insult Mary Kate like that!

She pats Aram, who’s in near tears.

ARAM
Just because I dyed my hair brown and had recent eating disorder and got a bit smaller than her…

Cat-o's mouth falls open.

CAT-O
Smaller?! Just say it! Just say it. You think I’m fat don’t you?

ARAM
[wiping tears away]
Well, I didn’t want to say anything, but you collar bone’s been filling out…

Cat-o puts a hand around her neck, feeling the flesh. She gasps.

CAT-O
Oh-my-god, you’re right I can feel flesh in it!

She turns to Len M. and Karren.

CAT-O
Hey, how soon will the rescue team get here? I sooo need to set a date for my lipo. How are my cheekbones? Are they still hollow?

Len M. and Karren look at each other and then at the twins with distaste.

LEN M.
We're not even living on the same plane with them, are we?

KARREN
Not unless you're an expert on self-induced vomitting and wear jeans that show your ass crack.

Aram and Cat-o continue to primp.

LEN M.
Why don't we just find that nurse and ask for some...medication? I really need to get back on our plane of existence.

KARREN
You and me, Mars. You and me.



EXT. CAVE – DAY

CZA
Oh-mah-god! What do we do? What do we do?

HENRIK
Shhh! Huwag ka maingay! Di ako makacon-centrate!

They both look at Val who’s sleeping peacefully in a hammock. Two WOODEN CRUTCHES are on the ground. Her head is also covered by a TURBAN.

CZA
She can’t just wake up with…this! She’ll be traumatized! Oh-mah-god! I sooo need a chocolate right now! Ugh!

HENRIK
Ackk! Ano ba namang klaseng hang-over to! Ano ba kasing ininom niyo?! Binigyan ninyo nanaman ako ng bagong problema! Arghhhh!


INT. CAVE – DAY

Jacqui is tensed, fixing her nurse’s CAP and smoothing her WHITE uniform.

JACQUI
I’m sorry, but the Dr. is out.

LEN M.
We're just here to get meds.

JACQUI
What kind? Only paracetamols and mefanamics are available. We haven't replenished our supplies ever since the Japanese war in the Pacific during 40's. Even Pearl Harbor barely has ---

Len M. waves her off.

LEN M.
No Nurse Evie, we're not interested in those.

JACQUI
[confused]
Then which ones? Do you have a prescription?

Karren snorts, half-amused.

KARREN
We're talking about the special meds, Nurse. I'm sure you and the Doc have hidden 'em somewhere.

She scans the room.

KARREN
C'mon now, share the love.

Jacqui reddens and coils her stethoscope around her hand nervously.

JACQUI
Well we don't have those anymore! Dr. House confiscated all the ummm –

KARREN
Mary Janes? Ganjas? Weed? Happy leaves?

JACQUI
[flushing]
--illegal and immoral meds, this morning. Said he needed it for something.

LEN M.
Did he tell you what for?

JACQUI
No. But just between the two of us, he looked really fidgety. And not just because he’s limping…

KARREN
[suspicious, cocking her gun]
Fidgety huh.


INT. CAVE – DAY

ARAM
Don’t worry Ashley, we can have that fat sucked out once we get home.

Cat-o and Aram are looking in the mirror, primping.

CAT-O
I don’t know what that ex-con-slash-sociopath was saying, we sooo, look alike, right Mary Kate?

She pouts and frowns, turning to Aram.

ARAM
Right!

JEN
Hey, I have a twin. He doesn’t look anything like me.

CAT-O
[confused]
You mean, “she” doesn’t look anything like you.

JEN
No, “he.” As in male. As in “one with testicles.”

Everyone gasps.

LEN GO
[covering Brinie’s ears]
Not in front of the child!

JEN
Oh, sorry. Anyway, we’re fraternal twins, Michael and I.

ALL
Ahhhh…

ARAM
[whispering]
Ashy, what’s fraternal?

CAT-O
I don’t know, but just pretend you understand…

LEN GO
So, where is your twin?

JEN
He’s actually missing. He’s the pilot.

CAT-O
Cap’t Garcia is your twin?

ARAM
But that hot guy is missing since the first day! Along with his co-captain, the one with a black coat and shiny shades?

ISA
I find that one very hot too…

JEN
I heard that Arab guy is also missing. My husband was last seen with them.

CAT-O
Husband? You’re married?

JEN
Yep.
[shows her ring]
Mrs. Tobias Fünke

CAT-O
Is that German or something?

JEN
Or something. I wouldn’t know. Anyway, I’m getting really worried.

ARAM
[pats her]
Of course, your husband.

JEN
[distastefully]
No, my brother.

LEN GO
Ever seen that movie, “The Matrix?”

CAT-O
Oh! Oh! Where people suddenly disappear and just pop in and out of different dimensions?

LEN GO
Maybe that’s what happened.

CAT-O
[to Jen]
Your brother’s starring in a movie?! Oh-mah-god, I sooo want to date an actor!

Everyone looks at her.

LEN GO
Uhhh…no, what I meant was, maybe they’ve disappeared, like in the movie.

CAT-O
Oh.

LEN GO
This island’s so weird. You can’t trust anything here.
[creates a distance]
Or anyone…

ISA
She’s right. Anything’s possible. I mean, I just found out I have a father who’s like, just my age…

Everyone nods.

JEN
Anyway, I just hope Michael returns from wherever he is. I can’t solve family and money problems all on my own.


EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS

MR is still lying on his back, eyes closed. Very, very still.

JR sits by MR’s side, eyes closed. He is SINGING to MR.

JR
Ako si MR. Suwabe… //Oh oh oh ohh grabe...//

JR pauses, scratching his BEARD.

JR
[peering]
Ano? Nag-react na ba?

BENSON
Uh-uh.

JR
[plops chin on hand, fingers tapping]
Hmmmm….pano kaya to?

BENSON
Try mo ibang kanta. Try mo.

JR
Osige.

He breathes heavily then starts.

JR
[singing]
Kamukha mo si paranuman…


EXT. THE BEACH – DAY

CAMS
I don’t know what came over me. I usually don’t drink that much. I maybe a social drinker, but I’m a responsible one.

JAM
It’s all right, something came over all the girls last night. So, what mysterious occurence do you have for me today?

Cams looks at her notebook.

CAMS
Jen has filed a missing persons' report. Her husband, her twin brother, the captain and the co-captain. Empress Tzu-Hsi also said her Arabian eunuch and his male companion are nowhere in sight. She’s pretty angry…

JAM
Tsk. That’s just what we need. Six people missing and one pissed off Asian blueblood. And where the heck is Gen. Solis and his men? They should have been here by now.

CAMS
Maybe they got sucked in by some enchanted vortex…

Jam looks at her.

CAMS
It’s a possibility.
[looks through her notes]
We’ve had sightings of polar bears, mysterious people, moaning trees and passengers gaining superpowers.

JAM
Superpowers?

CAMS
That Arabian eunuch of the Empress named…
[scanning her notes]
Moondah..Mundey? I don’t know how to pronounce this. Anyway, he can fly.

JAM
Grrr-eat. More controversy.
[rubbing her head]
Think you can keep off this off the press for a while?

They both look far north where Apol and GV are shoveling the sand.

CAMS
That’d be a challenge. But I’ll try.


EXT. THE CAVE - DAY

Henrik is pacing back and forth. Cza is biting her lip.

VAL
Can someone just tell me what’s going on?

CZA
Well see friend, you were drinking pretty hard. Turns out, you were allergic.

VAL
[eyes rolling]
Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be in this wheelchair.

CZA
But that’s not all.

VAL
What do you mean?

CZA
Errrr…
[grabs Henrik]
You tell her.

HENRIK
Ako? Ba’t ako?! Ikaw magsabi!

CZA
Pleaseeeee!

She pouts, tugs his arm. Henrik groans.

HENRIK
Fine! Akin na yung salamin.

Cza gets her bag and hands him the mirror.

He holds the mirror in front of Val’s face.

Cza moves behind her. She slowly takes off the turban.

CZA
I’m so sorry, friend…

Val looks straight into the mirror.

And screams.


EXT. SUPPLIES CAMP- DAY

KARREN
Yo Mars, check this out.

She brushes dirt from the ground and reveal miniature RELIGIOUS STATUES

Karren picks one up, scrutinizes it.

LEN M.
You know, those meds could surely fit in there.

KARREN
[chuckling]
Just what I was thinking.

She grabs a couple of statues and puts them in her bag.

Val's scream echoes…

Karren automatically draws her gun at the sound.

KARREN
What the fuck?!

She cocks her gun.

KARREN
Another one?

LEN M.
Pshh. It’s probably just one of the blondes breaking their nail or something. C’mon, we need to hurry. He might have used it all up.

They resume walking, but pause at the sight of THICK SMOKE seeping out of the tent. Len M. and Karren look at each other.

KARREN
Oh, no they didn’t!

LEN M.
Oh yes they did!

A FLASH from Len M’s. camera as she takes a picture of the tent in smokes.

KARREN
[she sniffs the air, pissed]
Selfish bastards!

LEN M.
You can say that again.


EXT. THE CAVE – DAY

Val is crying hysterically.

VAL
My hair, my hair!!!

HENRIK
Wala ka ngang buhok!

Val looks at him, quivers. Then bawls.

CZA
Way to go Mr. Sensitive!

She starts rubbing Val’s back.

CZA
[angrily to Henrik]
Is that how you plan to comfort me when I’m having a down moment? According to Oprah and Dr. Phil, I deserve better than this!

HENRIK
Ha?

VAL
I’m bald! I’m bald! I’m ---

She stops crying for a moment. Her eyes glaze then widen. She’s in a trance.

CZA
Uhm..what’s happening?

HENRIK
Malay ko!

They watch as Val calmly brushes her tears. She recomposes herself. Sits straight and squares her shoulder.

VAL
Hand me my turban.

Cza gives it to her and Val puts it on her head.

VAL
Now, you two help me with this thing.

She starts to adjust the wheels.

HENRIK
San tayo pupunta?

VAL
[knowing smile]
Into the woods.


EXT. THE FOREST – DAY

Jen is walking by the bushes…

MIKEL
Jen! Jen!

JEN
Huh? Who’s there?

MIKEL
Jen! It’s me!

DAVID
Yes, it’s us!

David and Mikel jump out of the bushes.

JEN
Bora boys? What –wha?

MIKEL
No, not Bora boys.

JEN
You’re not the Bora boys?! Then who –
[backing away]
Oh my god…

She grabs the nearest branch and starts waving it.

JEN
Get away from me! What have you done with the Bora boys?!

MIKEL
Nothing. Swear. We’re them…but not them. See I know it’s confusing but –

JEN
Len said not to trust THE ISLAND. And you can't fool me coz' I've seen the movie! You two, you’re…clones! Clones!

MIKEL
What?!

JEN
CLONES!

DAVID
Ahh! Woman, get a hold of yourself!

A GREEN flash. He takes off his Hawaian shirt then suddenly thrusts upward, flying to a high branch.

JEN
Whoa!

Mikel and Jen look up.

MIKEL
He didn’t tell me he could do that.

David is suspended in the air. He retrieves a black coat and something shiny. He smoothly lowers himself. He is radiating GREEN.

He wears the coat and puts on his shade.

DAVID
[low, low husky voice]
Let’s try that again. Who am I?

JEN
[whispers]
You’re THE ONE.

MIKEL
Sis! You’re married, remember?!

JEN
[flushing]
Oh right. I mean, err, yeah, you’re David.

David grins, elbowing Mikel as he thrusts a couple of clothes.

DAVID
Time to go corporate, beach boy.

Mikel makes a face but starts to strip.

MIKEL
Fine. Fine.

Inch by inch, he reveals his overly TANNED skin.

JEN
Please, bro. That couldn't have been just the sun.

He glares at her, then uses his shirt to rub off the faux coloring.

DAVID
You're right. It wasn’t easy bargaining for that bronzer.

Next, Mikel wears the long-sleeved shirt, leather shoes, trousers and lastly the TIE.

He turns around for their inspection.

MIKEL
So?

JEN
[smiling, clapping]
Welcome back, Michael Bluth of the Bluth Airlines and Frozen Banana Company.

MIKEL
Ergg…don’t call me Michael. You know I’ve reformed! I’m a rebel!

JEN
Oh, I’m sorry, Mikel. Why are you hiding anyway?

MIKEL
Because, some reporter’s been investigating the crash…

INSERT SHOT

EXT. THE FOREST– DAY

APOL
Bilisan mo! Bilisan mo! Exclusive scoop to!

GV
Ayan na! Ayan na!

END SHOT

EXT. THE FOREST – DAY

JEN
Oh, please, she doesn’t know anything.

DAVID
I smell something fishy…what’s going on here? What does she mean by that?

MIKEL
Nothing.

DAVID
I thought drunk-piloting was the reason for the crash?

MIKEL
It is, it is!

JEN
Oh, for the love of -! Look he set you up. We set you up. He intentionally crashed the plane coz’ so we could get lost in the middle of nowhere and mom wouldn’t be able to find us.

DAVID
[to Mikel, hurt]
You…what?! How could you? I thought you were my friend! I trusted you!

MIKEL
My mom wants me to take control of the company. I can’t. I don’t want to. You should understand! You’re heir to a gadget empire!

DAVID
And so? I love our gadget empire!

MIKEL
Well I don’t love our airplanes and frozen bananas empire!

JEN
I don't see the problem. Airplanes and bananas are both phallic symbols. You should feel all manly and powerful. I don't understand where this impotency is coming from, bro. Have you spending too much time with my husband, Tobias again? Next thing you know, you're wearing your undies in the shower!

MIKEL
Leave me alone, sis! I must pursue my own path. I don't want to be identified with airplanes and bananas. I'm a unique individual. I'm no conformist. I’m a REBEL! See my piercings?

He shows them the holes on his ear. David inspects it.

DAVID
[nodding]
Point proven. So you weren’t really drunk when you we’re piloting?

MIKEL
Well, maybe a little.
[dreamy]
Damn, that was some special mix…

DAVID
[nodding]
Uh-uh.

JEN
Hate to break the reminiscing boys, but I found out something that could pay for Dad’s bail.

MIKEL
Tell me it’s barrels of gold. Tell, me, tell me!

JEN
Better…

She turns and points south to an area with a thick foliage.

DAVID
Bananas?!


EXT. FOREST, BANANA AREA – DAY

A pregnant Mea is sleeping peacefully, lying on her side on top of a makeshift bed made up of banana leaves and branches.

The OTHERS surround her, guarding.

They don’t see a GIRL looking down on them from the top of a BALETE tree. The girl, GAB LIBANG, is wearing leaves for clothes, Eve/Jane-like. She is gripping a staff with a flag. The words “KKK” is printed on it.

Amarish says something to the OTHERS. They nod and leave.

Gab Libang stealthily climb down to the ground.

Amarish senses movement. Turns.

Gab let's out a Xena-like shriek.

GAB
Aya-yay-yay-yay! Sugod mga kapatid!

Gab Libang strikes her with the staff and Amarish falls unconscious.

Gab Libang whistles. A UNICORN appears, pulling a cart. She slowly carries Mea and puts her inside the cart.

Gab climbs the unicorn. Pets it.

GAB
Estupida, tara na sa kweba!

The unicorn neighs in agreement.

GAB
[kicking its side]
Aya-yay-yay-yay!


INT. SUPPLIES CAMP – DAY

DREW
How is it? How is it?

Drew is lying on his stomach as Tonio ghosts an incense stick all over his body.

Tonio is wearing surgical goggles, his nose is CLAMPED, affecting his speech.

TONIO
Nguwag ka nga mangulo! Ang irap-irap mong pah-u-tu-kan!

DREW
What do you want me to do? Sit pretty while weird, drawings appear all over my muscular upper body?

Tonio isn’t listening. He’s too focused on the MARKS on Drew’s body, becoming more prominent with every brush of the marijuana leaves and smoke from the incense stick.

TONIO
Endeh batah batah dwa-wing. Ta-u!

DREW
What? Take that soddin' thing off, I can't understand you!

Tonio removes the NOSE CLAMP.

TONIO
[shouting]
Tato!

DREW
Tattoos?!
[jumps from the cot]
You’ve got it wrong, Doc. Coz, my kink’s giving pleasure-pain, not receiving em’.
[dreamy]
Well…most of the time.

TONIO
Dakdak ka ng dakdak! Tingnan mo nalang sarili mo.

He thrusts Drew a mirror as Tonio puts on his NOSE CLAMP again.

DREW
BLOOOOOODY HELLL!

He is still in shock when Karren enters the tent. She peruses him.

KARREN
[perusing Drew]
Oh, this is priceless! Yo, Mars-girl, take a look at this circus freak!

DREW
Ey!

Len enters.

LEN M.
Whoa!

A flash from her camera.

DREW
Ugh, do you really have to do that, doll?

Len just shrugs. Karren props on the table, getting some leaves and inserting them into her bag then rolling them to fit inside the statues.

Tonio takes of his clamp nose.

TONIO
Oy! Oy! Ano yan!

Karren shows her gun.

TONIO
Ehehe. Please…take it all. Dami pa dun sa loob ng unan.

Len M. watches, giggles. Karren finishes and closes her bag.

KARREN
So, what happened to do the Aussie, doc?

TONIO
Hindi ko alam. Epekto ata ng alcohol. Pag-gising niya may mga sulat na katawan niya. Akala niya kinalmot siya noong si Rochelle. Lovemarks daw….

Len M. and Karren make a face.

DREW
What?! I can’t control how women react to my body!

TONIO
Tumigil ka nga! Sabi ni Rochelle, yung aritstang-musikerong si Jericho Rosales lang daw ang magagawa niyang makalmot, wala nang ibang lalaki. Kaya eto ngayon tong Australianong ito, natakot. Tumakbo. Hinatak ako para gamutin ang mga nakapagtataka niyang mga marka sa katawan!

DREW
Ey! I wasn’t scared. Was needing to piss, that’s why I was running.

LEN M.
All the way to the camp when there are bushes just outside the cave?
[fluttering her lashes]
Sure. Nothing to do with little body drawings that scared you big, brawny, man of a man!

DREW
Well aren’t you a sassy little piece of ----

KARREN
Shut it, you walking canvas.
[to Tonio]
What’s with the herb-fest?

TONIO
Napadapo siya sa halaman. Mas lalong lumabas yung marka. Kaya ayan, pinausuakan ko para mas malaman kung ano talaga yung nasa katawan niya.

Len M. gets up from her seat. Walks over Drew, circles him and starts taking pictures.

LEN M.
So what is it?

She moves closer to him, running a hand down his arm.

DREW
Ooooh, careful honey. That tickles.

LEN M.
[rolling her eyes, amused]
You’re in no position to flirt.

Scans his body marks, disgusted.

LEN M.
Trust me.
[turns to Karren]
Looks like a pattern.

All of them now circle him, curious. He pouts, suddenly very conscious.

DREW
Ey, back off! I’m not some soddin’ science project!

KARREN
Pattern. Do you know anyone who’s autistic? They could read this shit.

TONIO
Autistic? Wala. Mukhang autistic? Madami.

KARREN
[eyes rolling]
This is not good. We better report this to the She-Doc.

Tonio moves in front of Drew.

TONIO
Oy, teka, teka. Pasyente ko to! Ako mag-so-solve nito, hindi si Dr. Cuddy Co!

LEN M.
Well, he is head of Diagnostics.

KARREN
Fine. You take care of him. But I’m still telling her.

TONIO
Bakit pa? Ako na pinakamagaling sa field ko…

KARREN
[shrugging]
Second opinion never hurt.

Drew lies back down, smiling.

DREW
Female doc’s inspecting me?
[rests hands under his head, rubs his chest]
Not bad. Not bad at all.


INT. THE CAVE – DAY

BRINIE
Oh Daddy! Oh Daddy!

JO
Say it, say it Mei-Mei, say it!

BRINIE
[sniffing]
I will not drink again! I will not drink ---

She vomits on his lap.

JO
Mother fucker!

LEN GO
[o.s.]
Language!

JO
Oh…right. Sorry.

Brinie cries. Jo pats himself dry and comforts his daughter.

JO
There, there.

ISA
Hey pops!
[chewing a gum]
She’s still at it, huh?

Jo is rubbing Brinie’s back soothingly.

JO
For the last five hours. Been throwing up on me like crazy. How much did she drink?

ISA
[looks at his lap]
From the looks of it…...A LOT.

He frowns. Looks at her skimpy attire.

JO
And where do you think you’re going, missy?

ISA
[arching her brow]
Wow, you’re really digging this whole “I’m Your Fahhh-therrr” gig huh?

JO
Young lady, I may always be a rocker at heart - irresponsibly spilling my seeds to nameless groupies and fluzzies who throw me their underwear when on tour - but when the seed lands on fertile ground, grows and bears fruit, I am there, ready to harvest it! Do you get my drift?

ISA
No Pops, but it sounds very poetic.

JO
Well all I wanted to say was that…

He clears his throat, suddenly teary-eyed.

JO
[Yoda-voice]
A good father, I want to be. Responsible, I must become. Together, we must always be…!

ISA
Awwww, Daddy!

They hug.

JO
The FORCES are strong, but I don’t’ want to succumb into the DARK SIDE. It’s very suffocating to wear a mask, you know?

ISA
Yeah, like Mei-Mei’s favorite song goes,
[singing]
Why must pretend that I’m, someone else for all time…”

BRINIE
[perking up]
Oooh!

ISA/JO/BRINIE
[with voicing]
When will my reflection show, who am I inside…

The happy family smile at each other.

JO
So, want to tell me where you’re going?

ISA
Well, I’m gonna go with the twins and have walk around. It’s getting kindah stuffy here, not so good for the pores and all. This’ll be a good time for you two to bond.

JO
All right. Just, take care. Lots of polar bears and maniacs out there. And no more drugs till' next month!
[points a finger]
And try to stay away from bad boys!

Isa laughs and waves.

BRINIE
[weakly]
Daddy, how come my sister can date and I can’t?

JO
Well that’s because you have an arranged marriage. You’re already promised, dear.

BRINIE
Promised? To whom?

JO
Don’t worry, he’s Chinese. You’re betrothed to that boy from the Tze clan. Even the empress has approved.

BRINIE
The Tze’s?

JO
Yes. And that is why you must keep yourself pure at all times. Oh that reminds me! What’s your size? I have to order that chastity belt for you…


EXT. DEEP, DEEP IN THE FOREST – DAY

Henrik and Cza are pushing the wheelchair as Val points where to turn.

VAL
We’re getting nearer. I can feel it.

HENRIK
[hissing]
Dalin na natin to sa Doctor, nababaliw na ata to eh! May history ba siya ng schizophrenia?

CZA
Well, she was always into vampires and slayers so…ugh! Stop it nga!
[slaps his arm]
We have to be here for her, during these critical times! It’s a test of friendship!

VAL
[to Henrik]
You don’t believe, don’t you?

HENRIK
Believe? Believe what?

VAL
[looking straight across]
The truth is out there…

He stops. Kneels in front of her, and shakes her shoulder.

HENRIK
[worried]
Val…Vall?

No answer.

HENRIK
Errr…Scully?

Val smiles.

HENRIK
Ano na nangyayari sayo? Val? Nandyan ka pa ba? Val!!!!

CZA
[pushes him]
Stop it, Nick! You’re scaring her.

HENRIK
She’s scaring me!

VAL
[pointing]
There…

Henrik and Cza stop fighting and look at where she’s pointing.

She moves the wheels. Stops at the desired spot.

VAL
[whispers at the ground]
It’s beneath us.

CZA
What do you mean “it?”

VAL
The Hatch.

HENRIK
Ano?

VAL
[eerie smile]
Start digging.


EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS-DAY

BENSON
Wake up, wake up!

He pokes MR’s side.

BENSON
Sige na Emmie-pie! Wake up! Uyy, gigising na si Emmie-pie, gigising na siya…oy, oy!

JR is lying on his back.

JR
Bens, tama na. Na-koma na siya. Wala na tayo magagawa.

The branches around them rustle.

JR sits up.

JR
”Nu yon?

Benson stops poking MR and quickly inches behind JR.

BENSON
Others! Baka others!

JR circles their surrounding. The rustling continuous. The leaves in front of them move.

JR and Benson back away.

MR moans.

BENSON
Em?! Emmie-pie!

They run to his side.

JR
Em?!

MR is now jerking wildly.

JR
Syett! Seizure!

He kneels down and POUNDS on MR’s chest.

MR spasms. SALIVA pools on the sides of his mouth. Benson claps happily.

BENSON
It’s working, it’s working!
[bouncing]
Itah pa! Itah pa Yaw!

Behind them, from the plants, a young woman appears unnoticed. She’s wearing a ARMY clothes and thick boots. There’s a SHOTGUN hanging on her back.

JR raises his fist, about to strike.

ANA
ALTO!

JR lowers his fist. He and Benson turn to her, surprised.

ANA
Who the hell are you people and what the heck are you doing in MY island?!


EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS – DAY

APOL
Ay nako, ang bagal bagal mo! Kala mo ba madaling maghabol ng latest chikka?

GV
Sorry na nga! Eh gulong ng gulong yung bola ko eh!

He grips a battered VOLLEYBALL to his side.

APOL
Kung ako sayo, itatapon ko na yan!

GV
Aba! Eh kung ikaw kaya ang----

Apol suddenly covers GV’s mouth.

APOL
Shh! Huwag ka maingay!

They slowly walk creep into the thick bushes. Stop when they see Benson, JR and MR struggling inside a NET. They see the back of a woman with a shotgun.

When the woman drags the boys away, Apol smiles.

APOL
Kidnap!


EXT. THE OPEN SEA – DAY

Chai is in the ship’s control room, scanning the surroundings with her binoculars.

CHAI
Agent, take a look at this…

Kakam takes it the binoculars from her.

KAKAM
I don’t see anything.

CHAI
Exactly. No movement. But that’s not what the radar is saying.

He looks at the radar.

CHAI
Something is out there…

Kakam types something in his computer.

KAKAM
Or someone…

He prints out a piece of paper and hands it to her.

KAKAM
That’s a computer generated image of the object based on the readings.

CHAI
Too small to be a whale, too large to be a dolphin.
[looks closer]
And what is that? Is that…hair?

Suddenly, a female voice singing.

FEMALE VOICE
[o.s., singing]
Ah-ahhhhh…ah-hahhhh…ah-ahhh-ah-ahhhh-ah-ahhh-ahh ahhhh….

Kakam and Chai step out of the control room and then stand by the railings. Sees something RED floating in the ocean.

Their eyes widen as a GIRL emerges. Her chest is covered with two SHELLS. A yellow fish with blue stripes is swimming beside her.

A pebble-sized ORB is glowing in her throat as she sings.

BEA
[singing]
Out there they walk…out there they run…out there they stay all day in the sunnnnn….

A SPLASH. They see her lower half: a green TAIL.

Kakam and Chai are fascinated.

BEA
Wondering free…wish I could be….

CHAI
[awed]
…a mermaid!

Bea extends her hands to them. Glorious red hair framing her face, tail splashing.

BEA
Part of your….world…..!

A beat.

CHAI
Holy shit on Saddam Hussein’s toast! It’s Ariel!

BEA
Greetings to you creatures who can walk upright!
[holds her fingers in a sign]
I come in peace!

KAKAM
[gulping]
I’m calling The General.


INT. CAVE – DAY

ROCHELLE
[running]
Empress Tzu Hsi! Empress Tzu Hsi! Halika dali!

Tara rises from her RED TENT with RED LANTERNS.

TARA
Bakit? Tungkol ba ito sa paborito kong eunuch? Anong nangyari?

Rochelle bows.

ROCHELLE
Kamahalan! Sabi po noong kapusong reporter, na-hostage daw po ang inyong Arabong eunuch kasama ang Koreanong asawa ni Dela Cruz, Mary Kate Joy….

TARA
Dela Cruz, Mary Kate Joy?

Kate presents herself. Bows.

KATE
At your service, empress! Dela Cruz, Mary Kate Joy, you might also know me through my maiden name…. Kim, Buho-Jong-Ti?

TARA
Magsalita ka Dela Cruz, Mary Kate Joy o Kim, Buho Jong-Ti. Anong nalalaman mo?

Kate collapses to tears.

KATE
Kahamalan, may ni-report saamin si kapusong Ms. Guanyo. May isang babaeng guerilla ang nanghostage daw sa asawa ko. Nakita din po niya ang eunuch niyo at isa pang lalaking may bigoti…

TARA
Lalaking may bigoti? Ahhh, oo. Si Yaw, asawa ni Jen. Narinig kong nawawala rin siya pati na rin ang mga Bora-boys.

ROCHELLE
Kamahalan napakadami na pong nangyari simula noong magising tayo pagkatapos nating malasing. Pati ang inflatable Jericho Rosales ko po, nawawala.

TARA
Susmaryosep!

She fans herself.

TARA
Hindi iyan maari! Sino ang kumuha! Ipaputol ang paa!

ROCHELLE
Hindi ko po alam kung sino, kamahalan. Alam kong yakap-yakap ko lang siya noong gabi at pag gising ko, yung Australiano na ang kayakap ko!

TARA
Australiano?! Hmmmp!

ROCHELLE
Opo! Natakot nga po ako dahil may mga guhit siya sa katawan. Pinagbintangan pa niya akong nangangalmot! Love scratches daw! Please lang ha!

TARA
Nangangalmot?

She looks at her 12-inch long nails.

ROCHELLE
Errr…di naman po ganyan, kamahalan.

KATE
Kamahalan, mas mabuti po sigurong kausapin natin ang reporter para malaman natin kung ano talaga ang nangyari.

TARA
Tama. Gusto ko rin malaman kung ano nang nagyari sa aking eunuch. Baka napakadumi na ng kanyang paa! Halika, hanapin natin ang reporter. At huwag kalimutan ang mga lampara…maggagabi na.


EXT. DEEP IN THE FOREST – NIGHT

APOL
Wow naman! Grabe na talaga to'! Ohh-ver! Ang daming scoop sa isang araw! Di ko na kailangan si Papa Vic para sumikat ako!

GV just grunts.

They creep through the bushes. They stop when they’re a foot away from where Henrik, Val, and Cza are.

APOL
O, ano nanaman to?

Henrik has just finished digging. The three are staring at something.

Apol and GV move closer.

APOL
Dali, mag-ayos ka na!

Apol positions herself and faces GV as she pulls out a brush.

GV
Okay, game!

APOL
At ngayon, sa nagbabagang mga balita! Pagkatapos naming matuklasan na tatlong payat na mga kalalakihan ang na-kidnap ng isang Mexicanang na babaeng hindi malayong miyembro ng Abu Sayaff, isa nanamang nakapagtatakang pangyayari ang aming naabutan!

Shot of Henrik and Cza by the hatch.

APOL
Ang bagong kasal na si Nick and Jessica Lachey ay tumungo sa pinkaliblib na parte ng gubat upang….

Henrik pauses to wipe his sweat and then resumes shoveling.

APOL
….MAGHUKAY! Ngunit mga kapuso, maghukay ng ANO?

Suddenly, a BRIGHT STREAM OF LIGHT emerges from where he’s digging.

HENRIK
[backing away]
Jari lang! Ano yan!

CZA
I dunno! I dunno! But it’s soo pretty! I suddenly wanna dance jazz!

She pirouettes.

CZA
Supeh-starrh!

The light bursts around her, surrounding the area.

CZA
[jumping away]
Ick!

Apol and GV gasps.

APOL
Shokers! Dali, tawagin mo na ang network! Hindi na to basta-basta balita lang! It’s a state of emergency!

GV blows on a HORN.

Meanwhile, Cza observes the unearthed object.

CZA
Ick! It’s a door!

VAL
Yes. The door leading to The Hatch.

Val suddenly rises from the wheelchair.

HENRIK
Val---!

CZA
OH-mah-god! She can walk, she can walk!

Val walks towards the THE HATCH, only a door with a handle leading to an underground chamber is unearthed.

HENRIK
Teka, teka, anong gagawin mo? Val? Val!

Val bends down, the light from beneath radiating in her face.

VAL
[entranced]
It’s the path to our salvation…

She reaches for the opening…

JAM
[running]
STOP! Don’t open it!

Val’s hand falls from the handle. She’s confused.

JAM
You don’t know what’s in there! You don’t know what you can unleash!

The twins, Isa, Nina and Jac come running, pausing at the sight of the light from the hatch.

CAT-O
Oh-mah-god Ashley! I didn’t know they had tanning machines in the forest!

Jac meanwhile is running from Nina, ducking from her blows.

NINA
I swear to you Jac Dawson, if you don’t find my bling, I’m throwing you off our rescue ship so you could die from hypothermia!

JAC
[To Nina, pointing at the hatchet]
Errr, Rose, honey, maybe your blue diamond necklace is in there?

Nina looks at the Hatch.

Meanwhile, Jo comes running, carrying Brinie on his back, piggyback-style.

Jac spots Brinie.

BRINIE
[pointing at Jac]
Daddy, that man gave me a necklace.

Both Jo and Nina look at Jac.

NINA
You what?!

JO
You dare proposition my daughter?!

JAC
[hiding]
Shit!

Brinie gets off from Jo’s back.

BRINIE
Awww, Daddy! A thorn scratched my lily-foot!

JO
Man, they should child-proof this forest!

He sees Jac run away.

JO
And what did I tell you about dating? I said, you must remain pure as a lily! Lily like the size of your feet!

Isa is walking happily in her high heels, clutching an expensive purse.

CAT-O
[pointing]
Oh my God, I want those shoes she’s wearing!

ISA
[seeing Jo and Brinie]
Oooh! Family!

She hugs them.

ISA
[frowning]
Um, Dad, have you seen Bruiser anywhere?

JO
Sorry honey, your twin is a handful already. Dunno about Bruiser.
[distracted, searching]
What do you know about that Jac Dawson? Seems like a shady fella’ to me.

ISA
Jac? He’s a hustler and a total free rider, may it be boat, sub, jet or trike! I mean, he won his seat in the plane through a card game!

JO
[to Brinie]
Totally inappropriate company for one already betrothed!

ISA
Sis? You’re getting married?

BRINIE
Yes, my sister. To a merchant named Kevin Tze. His family is very powerful and influential, it will be a union of two great clans!

ISA
Err, yeah, whatever! We are soooo having a bachelorette party! Is that okay, Pops?

JO
As long as you don’t use the sabers in the living room for neon lights, I don’t see a problem.

ISA
Cool!
[to Brinie]
How do you feel about firemen and cops?

BRINIE
Huh?

ISA
Oh right, you dig men wearing chongsam, socks and braids. Don’t worry we can have the Olsens arrange that for yah!

From the south, Drew is running with a limping Tonio trailing him. He still has his surgical goggles on. Karren and Len M. follow closely.

TONIO
Dahan-dahan! Ma-iinfect ang mga sugatang sulat sa katawan mo!

A flash of something RED from the bushes. Tara appears riding her coach, surrounded by lamps. Len Go, Kate and Roach trail behind her.

She steps on the ground, eyes FLARING RED as she points at Apol.

TARA
Ikaw! Nakita mo daw ang ang eunuch ko? Nasaan siya, nasaan! Magsalita ka!

Apol ducks behind GV.

APOL
Syettt! Humahaba ang kuko!

LEN GO
Calm down, empress. Don’t kill the messenger!

Tara’s red eyes slowly normalize.

HENRIK
Ba’t ang daming tao dito?!

CZA
Yeah! What are you all doing here? You’re scaring Val!

She pats Val protectively.

CAMS
Well, we heard the horn…

GV drops his VOLLEYBALL and raises the HORN.

APOL
Pinatawag ko kayo lahat. Nakakatakot kasi, baka anong mangyari kung buksan niya iyan.

CZA
Hey, don’t you blame Val! She’s possessed!

TONIO
[to Apol]
Ano? Pinatawag mo kami dahil lang diyan? Maraming namamatay sa maling akala!

Drew curses, scratches his back.

DREW
Awww, doc! It itches!

TONIO
Huwag mong kamutin!

JACQUI
[offering leaves]
Doc, I have a cure!

ALL
NO!!!!

DREW
Awhhh! Doc, why don’t you just sedate me! You know I don’t like itches I can’t scratch.
[leering]
And I mean that both literally and figuratively.

KARREN
Jesus Christ! The man can still manage to flirt even when he’s freakin’ bleedin!

A flash from Len M. camera.

LEN M.
I say, bleed away! Looks good in prints.
[to Cams]
We can get a Pulitzers for this.

DREW
[swatting his arm]
Awww! Bloody hell! Now I’m drawing insects!

LEN M.
Ahh, Sawyer, surely they’re female ones.

The girls giggle.

Drew grimaces as he scratches. Then BLOOD splatters everywhere, almost bursting from every pore.

ARAM/CAT-O/ISA/NINA/CZA
EWWWWW!

A drop of Drew’s blood lands on Val’s forehead.

She touches her forehead, sees the red fluid on her fingers.

From afar, a WOLF howls from a cliff.

Val’s eyes change.

CZA
Blood!
[looking up at the moon]
Night! Oh no! Oh no-no-no-noo!

HENRIK
Ano nanaman?!

Suddenly, an animalistic SNARL. Val suddenly jumps and lands on him. She morphs into a vampiric guise.

BRINIE
[clutching Jo]
Ahhh, Daddy! Monster! Monster!!

JO
Dammit! I don’t have my saber here!

CZA
[clutching Henrik]
Oh my God, she’s becoming a vampire! Nick, stop flexing your muscles and do something!

HENRIK
Do what?!

CZA
I dunno!
[throws her hands]
Sing!

Henrik BURSTS into song.

HENRIK
All the loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I’m leaving my life in your hands…

JO
Dude, wrong band!

HENRIK
Ay! Errrr….

He thinks for a moment. Kneels in front of Cza and takes her hand.

HENRIK
I do...cherish you...for the rest of my life, you don't have to think twice...

ALL BOYS
[joining in]
He will, love you still...

CZA
[kissing his cheek]
Awww, Nick. That's our wedding song!

VAL
Raarrrr!

DREW
[holding Val by the shoulder]
BLOOODY HELL!!!!!!!! Stop! You idiots made it worse! She’s still in game face!

ROCHELLE
[to Tara]
Kamahalan, kalmutin mo nalang kaya?

TARA
[gasping]
Hindi ko dudumihan ang mga kuko ko para isang lamang lupa!

JAM
STAKE! Somebody, STAKE her!

Jacqui sees the heels of Isa’s shoes and grabs the shoe off her feet.

ISA
Not my Jimmy Choos!!!!

Jacqui ignores her, runs and strikes Val’s heart. Everyone gasps and freezes.

CZA
You hurt Val! Oh god, Nick, I can’t watch this!

HENRIK
[singing, hugging her]
It’s the hardest thing we ever have to do…

The shoe penetrates for a moment, then falls to the ground. All eyes follow the drop.

Val smiles a sinister vamp smile.

DREW
Oh bloodieee----!

JACQUI
Eeeek! It didn’t work!

TONIO
Oh eto!

He throws her a SCALPEL.

Jacqui strikes Val’s heart again. The scalpel just falls.

LEN GO
[slaps her forehead]
Jesus Christ!

Suddenly, a BURST of light…a BEARDED man appears, floating.

RANDY
You called?

JAM
[smiling]
Way to go, Lennilyne Go! You always think of something!

LEN GO
Hmm. I do, don’t I?

JO
[gives Randy a high five]
Yo man! Long time, no apparition, huh?!

RANDY
I know! How's the finger? How's the guitar?

JO
It's all good man. My fingers are trembling anymore.

He points at the guitar slinged on his shoulder

JO
And I'm totally rockin' it.

RANDY
Who's the babe?

Brinie waves.

JO
Oh, this is Mei-Mei Li, my daughter. See that chick? That's Isa, her twin.

ISA
Hi, God!

RANDY
Mighty fine child! All right!
[patting Jo]
Go forth and multiply!

JO
Well you know I always follow your commandments...

Randy nods, smiling.

JO
Hey, you’re all omnipotent right? And you work in mysterious ways! Help us kill the vamp!

RANDY
Yeah, but there's this sucky clause about free will and I can only work through people, so...

JAM
Then send us someone who can help, and be quick about it!
[sees Randy’s brow rise]
I mean, please, erm, God?

DREW
Oh balls!

He holds Val off as she tries to bite his neck.

DREW
God, help out a dude here. I'm not like you. And don't get me wrong, I love mankind. Especially the female variety, but I don't want to make any sacrifice for the entire human race just yet.

RANDY
But why, son? Don't you want to be with me in paradise?

DREW
I do. But remember my vow to beat Solomon's babe record? That's not easy! I'm only in the 500's range! Thousands to go!

The girls gasps.

RANDY
I understand. Err, hold on….

Randy closes his eyes. Opens them.

RANDY
Help is on the way! I've sent the Spirit to to aid you. And always remember, when you're feeling lost…follow the yellow brick road…follow the yellow brick road….follow the….

BRINIE
[mouthing silently]
Follow the yellow brick road….

Randy winks and disappears.

JO
[patting Brinie’s]
That’s a girl! Pure, obedient, religious.

VAL
Rarrrr!

DREW
Ahhh! Fangs! She’s gonna bite me! She’s gonna bloody vampify me! Ahhh! Where is the bloody reinforcement God promised?

Suddenly, a flash of GREEN. Jen, David and Mikel appear.

JEN
Huh? Where are we?

DAVID
[fixing his shades]
We’re back in The Matrix.

ISA
[seeing David]
Oh-mah-god! It’s God’s promised one! How’s my hair?

JEN
[seeing Val on Drew]
Is that what I think it is?

DAVID
Yes, vampires, like ghosts, also exist in this realm. They’re nothing but anomalies.

DREW
Are you blind people? A little help here!

Val’s snarling becomes ferocious, Drew is weakening.

LEN GO
[to Mikel]
You! You know some holy songs?

MIKEL
Well, yeah, but not anymore. But I’m a rebel now. See my pierc---

LEN GO
Later. Right now, I need you to sing!

MIKEL
Sing? But…I don’t have a guitar.

JO
Yo!

Jo throws Mikel his GUITAR.

CAT-O
Oh-mah-god, he is soooo hot!

ARAM
Ugh, sister! I’ve got first dibs on him!

JEN
[eyes rolling]
He’s not just some shoe you can claim, you know?

TONIO
Tama. Mga babae lang yon.

NINA
[calling from a distance]
How dare you!

Len Go taps her foot and looks at Mikel.

LEN GO
Well, what are you waiting for?

MIKEL
[looking at the crowd]
It’s been a while. And there are so many people…

JO
I can sing!

ALL
NO!!!!

LEN GO
Look Mikel, Now is not the time for stage fright, Mr. Sawyer is about to die!

Val is choking Drew.

DREW
Hel-lo??!!!

MIKEL
Right.

He strums his guitar.

MIKEL
Ummm, first of all, I would like to dedicate this song to ---

LEN GO
Get on with it!

MIKEL
Oh, right.

He clears his throat, strums the guitar and starts to sing in ARAMAIC.

MIKEL
If we hold on, together // I know our dreams, will never die….

Everyone catches on. Holds hands, raise them and SWAY.

ALL
[in Aramaic]
Dreams see us through, to for-e-verr…

Val GROWLS.

All scream and break apart.

CAT-O/ARAM
[hugging each other]
Oh my god! We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die!

KARREN
Idiots. He’s gonna die.

DREW
Thank you for pointing the obvious! Awww, bloody hell, she’s scraping my ear off!

VAL
Rarrrrr!

TONIO
[to GV]
Pare, lalo atang lumalala. Batohin ko nalang kaya ng bola sa ulo yung bampira.

They look at the VOLLEYBALL with a SMILEY lying next to GV.

GV
Si Wilson?!
[runs amok]
HINDI PWEDE SI WILSON! WILSONNNNNNNN!!!!!

Mikel attempts again. His eyes closed, really feeling and giving it all this time.

MIKEL
Where clouds, roll by…For you and….

DREW
WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT’S NOT WORKING! I’M FUCKING DYING!

Karren sits on a rock, chewing her gum and watching.

KARREN
Man, this is way better than getting stoned.

TONIO
Oist, barilin mo nalang!

KARREN
Nah, maybe later. I wanna watch.

ARAM
Homicidal maniac!

DREW
[trying to throw Val off]
Hell and damnation! Let go, bitch! Let go! I said let---awww! Who the hell threw that rock?!

CZA
Don’t call her bitch, you…bitch!

Val lunges at Drew again.

They fight and claw at each other. They roll on the ground until Drew’s back bumps into the hatch’s opening.

A BOOMING machine-like sound.

The blood on Drew’s body disappears. Val’s fangs retract. Her face is human again.

The sound stops.

Val’s suddenly disoriented and looks down on Drew who’s relieved.

DREW
[checking his body]
Blood’s gone! Oh yeah! I’m a sexy beast again!

Len M. rolls her eyes as she takes a picture.

LEN M.
And you’d think after an N.D.E, he’d change…

DREW
[to Val]
You all right, doll? You sure were nasty, feisty little’ vamp. Luv’ the ‘do, by the way.

VAL
[blinking]
Who are you?

DREW
So that’s how you wanna play it after our violent romp?! I feel used, really!

Val slowly gets off him and fixes her TURBAN. Sits down protectively near the hatch and goes into a trance-like state, ignoring him completely.

DREW
[snorts, standing up]
Talk about getting hot and cold, that frigid little bi--….awww! What now?!

CZA
You were gonna say it!

DREW
[throwing his hands up]
WOMEN!

He walks back to the group. They back away.

DREW
Oh bloody hell! What now?!

JO
Dude, you’re like glowing!

Drew looks at his body. The drawings are GLOWING.

DREW
Uhhhh…doc?

Tonio starts to walk toward Drew, then stops. He holds his leg.

TONIO
Oy, nawala na bali ko!

A WEIRD EXPRESSION on his face.

ARAM
Oh my god, Dr. House is SMILING!

All gasps.

JAM
Are you getting all this?

CAM
[writing]
Every word, Dr. Cuddy Co.


INT. THE SHIP – NIGHT

Bea is in a TUB. Chai and Kakam are interrogating her. A smaller fish swims frantically beside her.

BEA
Stop it, Flounder!

Flounder stills.

BEA
That damn fish can be so irritating.

CHAI
So, you admit that you were following us?

BEA
Yes.

KAKAM
Are you a spy? A genetically modified human being made by the Russians?

The girls throw Kakam a look.

CHAI
Agent, she’s a mermaid. A mermaid. You know, beautiful mythical creatures who supposedly lure sailors to their doom? Stop blaming the KGB for everything!

Kakam frowns but relents.

CHAI
What is your name?

BEA
My royal name is Ariel, but you can call me Bea for short.

CHAI
Errr, right. So where did you come from…Bea?

BEA
Deep in the ocean, not in the abyss mind you, but from my father's aquatic kingdom, .

KAKAM
Who’s your father?

BEA
His real name is Poseidon, but people call him Triton for short.

CHAI
King Triton…
[shaking her head]
I always knew those Disney films were real…

Kakam sighs.

KAKAM
Nothing here makes sense. What is that on your neck?

BEA
Oh, this?

She holds a necklace with a blue DIAMOND heart.

BEA
Flounder found it. He said it just suddenly appeared in our stash. We’ve got lots you know – ship wreckage, gold, jewelry, shoes, pearls, swords, Van Gogh paintings. We recently added a human-sized and shaped salbabida we saw floating last night. You name it, we have it.

CHAI
Still, that’s a pretty huge rock.

Chai holds the necklace up for inspection.

BEA
It’s real. I had Great White bite it, and its teeth came off.

CHAI
[amused]
Beats soaking it in vinegar, I suppose.

BEA
It came with a drawing of a nude woman reclining on a couch wearing this.

She holds it up. Pauses for effect and smiles.

BEA
Wearing ONLY this.

KAKAM
[gulping, spellbound]
I’m married.

CHAI
Knock it off, Agent, you’re being lured.

Kakam recovers.

KAKAM
Stop luring me!

BEA
[shrugging]
I’m a siren. It’s in my nature.

CHAI
Here comes General Gabriel Solis.

Gabby enters, puffing a cigar.

They salute.

BEA
Gabriel Solis, hmmm…

Her TAIL suddenly TWITCHES uncontrollably.

GEN. SOLIS
[to Bea]
Ola. Como te llamas?

SUBTITLE: Hello. How are you called?

BEA
Me llamo, Bea, pero mi nombre es Ariel.

SUBTITLE: I am called Bea, but my name is Ariel.

GEN. SOLIS
Hmm...

He sits on the TOILET, motioning for them to continue as he smokes.

CHAI
So, why were you tailing us?
[sees her flap her tail]
No pun intended.

BEA
Don’t worry. I’m used to it, with all the “Something smells fishy” jokes I’ve heard from humans.

General Solis grins. Bea’s tail twitches again.

BEA
I’m waiting for my human lover. His name is Eric. I was hoping this could be his ship. That’s why I was following yours.

KAKAM
Sorry to disappoint.

BEA
[looking at Gabby]
Who says I am? You know, I used to date a mer-man named Gab, so…

She winks suggestively, tail twitches more.

General Solis smiles a little as he puffs his cigar, watching her.

BEA
[to Chai]
You’re going to THE ISLAND, are you?

CHAI
How do you know?

BEA
Ships always sail here attempting to get the treasure from the island. But no one ever comes back. No one human anyway.

KAKAM
What are you saying?

BEA
A lot of weird, unexplainable things happen in the Island. Beings who look human also live there. Some scientists tried to do tests there, calling it the Dharma Initiative.

KAKAM
What did I tell you? KGB!

CHAI
--Agent, please.

Kakam frowns.

BEA I
Anyway, that happened like some decades ago.

CHAI
Where are the scientists?

BEA
Dead.

Silence.

CHAI
You're sure?

BEA
Yes. I have their bones in my stash to prove it.

Gabby is affected. Smokes heavier, puffs faster.

BEA
They tried to escape, but couldn't. So I’m telling you right now, once you’re in the island, you can't get out. Not even if you build a raft, sail and hope other humans will find you. Chances are, Ursula will find you first and that's not gonna be pretty...

CHAI
Uhh, shit.

KAKAM
But logically if there’s a way in, there’s also a way out.

BEA
Logic doesn’t follow in THE ISLAND. Trust me, go back.

KAKAM
We can’t. We are rescuing people.

BEA
You can’t. There’s no way. Unless you have a human map.

KAKAM
A human map?

BEA
The old ones say the only way out is through a human map. That’s all I know. I wouldn’t know. I’m not human. I’m a mermaid.

She starts singing, throat glowing GOLD.

BEA
Ah-ah-ahhh…ah-ah-ahhh, ah-ahhh-ahhh…

She flaps her tail.

KAKAM
Well, we’re taking a risk. There are people there waiting for us. My wife is waiting for me.

BEA
Well, it’s your death wish.

CHAI
Is there anyway you can help us?

BEA
I can offer you safe passage going there. Dad hates ships coz' it blocks the sun when he's trying to get a tan so he tends to send tidal waves. But don't worry about it, I'll have some cetaceans escort you.

CHAI
[wryly]
They don’t happen to be named Flipper and Free Willy, do they?

BEA
How’d you know?


EXT. DEEP IN THE FOREST – NIGHT

David is inspecting The Hatch. He touches the handle. Val watches suspiciously.

DAVID
I’ve never seen a model like this. Looks old. Smells old. Ancient even.

He taps it.

DAVID
It uses an element not found in the periodic table…

ALL
Ooohhhh….

DAVID
And it emits some kind of radiation that heals. Hence, exhibit A.

He points at Tonio who grunts.

ALL
Ahhhh…

DAVID
The quality of its machinery is superior, if you ask me.

He gives Val a CALLING CARD.

DAVID
If you’ve figured out what element this is, give me ring and we’ll talk business. The discovery can be mutually beneficial. I’ve got a gadget empire and you want a new laptop. I’ll cut you a good deal.

David brings out his calculator as he walks away. Val looks at the card, bewildered.

Around them, some have set up camp. Most are napping. Others litter around, not knowing what to do.

APOL
Halika, hanap tayo bagong scoop.

GV
Pagod nako! Day-off naman o!

BRINIE
[yawning]
Daddy, I’m sleepy. I think it’s past my bedtime…

ISA
Has anyone seen my dog, Bruiser?

MIKEL
Sis, can I take off my tie? Rebels shouldn’t restrained, you know…

Len Go watches, angry.

LEN GO
Ahhh! People! Is no one here wondering at all what’s happening? Am I the only one who’s rational here?

ARAM
Well, you said you enjoyed Fr. Que’s class…

HENRIK
Shet, huwag mo nga paalala! Ang daming thesis statements non ah!

LEN GO
People! Aren’t you even alarmed? Mea’s been kidnapped! Some of us are getting super powers ----

DAVID
I’ve always had powers. But I had to keep it a secret. Otherwise Agent Smith might notice.

LEN GO
Some are getting sick. Others are getting better. The lame Doc can walk ---

TONIO
[rising]
Ngayon? Anong masama doon? Di ko na kailangan hanapin batuta ko!

LEN GO
----People are disappearing. Things are getting lost -----

ISA
Bruiser!

NINA
The heart of the ocean!

ROCHELLE
Si Jericho!

GV
[bewildered, looking around]
WILSONNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

LEN GO
[still ranting]
----God appeared. Val just turned into a vamp, Drew almost died, now he’s glowing ---

ARAM
And Ashley’s getting fat!

Cat-o gasps.

LEN GO
---I don’t know why you’re all so lax. We have to do something. Fast.

CAT-O
[touching her collarbones]
I sooo totally agree!

JAM
Lennilyne Go is right, as always. But as the leader, I propose that ---

MR
[o.s.]
TULONG!!! TULONG!!!

TARA
Kaboses yon ng eunuch ko!

APOL
Ohhh may gasshhh! Sila yan! Ang guerilla!

The bushes part as ANA appears. She’s pulling a thick NET. Benson, MR, and JR are inside, squirming, struggling.

LEN M.
[taking a picture]
Tsk. Curiouser and curiouser…

MR
Nayko po! Tulong, tulong!

JR
Aray, Benson! Siko mo!

BENSON
Emmie-pie! I’m scared!

JAM
[to the crowd]
Everyone, stay close.

Everyone huddles together. The group divides into 2. Jam’s side and Ana’s side.

Val is at the middle, crouching over the hatch.

CZA
Val, come here!

VAL
[in a trance]
I do not part with The Hatch.

HENRIK
Hayaan mo na…

Ana peruses the group, draws her gun.

ANA
Who are you people? Who speaks for you?

Jam steps up.

JAM
I do! I am the people’s representative.

She poses, Cory Aquino style.

Ana gives her a once-over.

ANA
Like a president, huh? Never cared much for politicians.

She aims her gun at Jam who flinches.

Jam looks around, grabs the first object she can find: a figurine on the ground.

Karren looks at her bag. It's open, the contents spilling.

JAM
[raising the figurine]
Ha!

Ana sees the figurine. She gets angry.

ANA
[crossing herself]
Santa Maria! You dare?

Jam looks at the statue carefully. A Virgin Mary.

She is shocked.

Karren walks to the front suddenly grabs the figurine from Jam.

KARREN
Better let me do the talking She-Doc.

Karren tosses the figurine to Len M.

Joints slip and fall to the ground.

Jacqui gasps.

ANA
[frowing]
That is not a suitable place to hide maria-juanas!

KARREN
[shrugging]
Seemed like a fine idea at that time.

She scrutinizes Ana who lifts her chin. They are a meter apart, with Val between them, looking up.

Karren coolly cocks her gun, examining it.

ANA
Who are you?

KARREN
Could ask the same about you.

She chews her gum, relaxed.

Ana and Karren assess each other, each holding their guns to their faces, preparing to strike.

ARAM
[whispers]
Oh-mah-God, Ashley, it’s like that John Woo movie! What was that again?

MR peers through the net.

MR
“Face Off!” Kulang nalang kalapati!

Ana kicks him. MR groans.

TARA
[gasping]
She dare kick my eunuch?!

LEN GO
Now is not the time empress…

Ana turns back to Karren.

ANA
I am Ana Lucia, I am Mexican, and I am an ex-cop and I am a killer.

The crowd gasps.

Karren considers her words.

KARREN
You killed, huh.

Ana raises her chin.

ANA
I do not apologize for shooting a man who killed the unborn child in my womb!

ALL
Awwww!

KARREN
And you have a kink for guns?

Ana nods.

Karren loosens up.

KARREN
You can call me, “K.” I’m no Mexican, but I’m an ex-con and a killer. I also don’t apologize for killing my perverted stepfather who turned out to be my real father.

The crowd gasps, backs away from Karren.

ANA
You killed.

KARREN
Yeah, and I loved every minute of it.

CAT-O
What did I tell you! Psychopath!

KARREN
Nice toy you’ve got there. M-16?

Ana nods.

ANA
Your 45’s not bad either.

Karren smiles.

KARREN
Ex-cop. You won’t be running back to the force to tell on me, are you?

ANA
I don’t believe in the system anymore.

KARREN
That makes two of us. Well then…

They draw their weapons back. Karren tucks hers behind her jeans. Ana slings hers on her back.

JAM
[whispering]
What’s happening, K?

KARREN
It’s cool.

She points at Benson, Jr and MR.

KARREN
Wanna free the stoodges?

ANA
’they your men?

KARREN
[snorting]
Hardly. More like the Empress’s pet slaves.

TARA
Pakawalan sila!

ANA
The nets are enchanted. Only my knife can cut through them.

JAM
Well, what are you waiting for? Even prisoners of war have rights, you know.

ANA
Of course I know. I let them pee and I fed them bananas. But I lost my knife while trying to slice off more fruit. It slipped. Couldn't find it. You don't happen to have something enchanted to cut through the net?

Jam thinks. Len Go leans over and whispers to Jam.

JAM
[eyes widening, nodding]
Now would be a good time to use those nails, Empress.

Tara uses her 12-inch nails to cut the net. The boys slowly stand up.

BENSON
Weee! We’re pwee! We’re pwee!

LEN GO
Why did you capture them in the first place?

ANA
I thought they were part of the “Others.” They were lurking in the woods.

JR
Hindi no! Nakita namin yung isa naming kasamahan, si Mea! Buntis! Kasama niya yung mga “Others” na naka hula-skirts!

ANA
You could have said that earlier.

JR
Eh takpan ba ang bibig naming ng saging at damo!

MR
[spitting]
Pueh! Lasang pwet ng kabayo!

INSERT SHOT

EXT. DEEP IN THE WOODS – DAY

Gab Libang watches Mea stir in the wooden cart. Gab then gets off the UNICORN, ties the reins around a banana tree and feeds the creature.

It takes a DUMP on the leaves.

MEA
[dreaming]
So long…so slippery…so delicious…mmmm….

Gab watches and shakes her head. The unicorn neighs.

MEA
[dreaming]
Ooohhhh bananas…ummm…

The unicorn neighs again.

END SHOT

MR
Pueh! Pueh! ---Aray!

He whirls at Tara.

MR
Bakit?

TARA
[eyes blazing red]
NASAAN ANG SAPATOS MO?!

MR looks at his bare feet.

MR
Anak ng!

BENSON
Kinuha ng othoss! Othoss!

KATE
Husband!?

Benson stops bouncing. Straightens.

BENSON
Dela Cruz, Mary Kate Joy?!

KATE
Jin, Son of Robin! My Husband! Nagbalik ka na!

They embrace. He suddenly pulls away.

BENSON
Teka, ba’t ka naka tanktop?

JR meanwhile scratches his head, walks to Jen.

JR
Errr…, honey.

JEN
[holding her hand up]
Oh please, Tobias, don’t even bother.

Ana sits on a rock, watching the people.

ANA
What is happening here? Why is that blond man glowing and leering suggestively at me?

All look at Drew.

DREW
Hello, luv.
[grinning at the attention]
Quite a sight, innit?

JAM
[to Ana]
We don’t know for sure.

Len M. is fiddling with her camera, then frowns.

LEN M.
I think I know.

She shows them the captured pictures.

LEN M.
I think it’s a map.

Drew, Karren and Jam look at it.

JAM
It is a map. Good work, Mars.

LEN M.
Yeah, still the million dollar question is – it’s a map of what?

The Hatch glows again, PULSATING.

Val peers at its window.

CZA
Uhhh, guys?!

She points. They all look at Val.

JAM
But we can’t just open it. Something might happen. Something bad.

MIKEL
Like a plane crashing to an unknown island?

JAC
Like a ship hitting an iceberg?

ARAM
Like MJ getting another rhino?

Suddenly a load ROAR.

KARREN/ANA
[both cocking their gun]
What the fuck!

MR
Anak ng --!
[pointing]
OSO!!!!

A BLUE BEAR appears some meters away.

MR
Osong azul! Azul!

JR
Em, hinay hinay lang, ang puso, ang puso!

The blue bear roars.

CAT-O
Oh-my-god! It’s Muzzy! It’s Muzzy!

HENRIK
Oo nga! Si Muzzzzy!

BENSON
[clapping]
Awww, ang cute, cute naman niyan!

JACQUI
I thought Muzzy’s just a Spanish cartoon?

JO
Crazy shit happen in this island.

CAT-O
Uhh puh-lease, I always knew he was real!

Len M. takes a picture of Muzzy, then frowns.

Muzzy roars again and takes a step.

The ground trembles. Muzzy starts to grow the size of GODZILLA.

LEN M.
Um, am I just stoned or is Muzzy really growing bigger?

All gaze up and see Muzzy now towering over them.

DAVID
It’s another anomaly in the matrix!

ISA
[clutching David]
Save us, Neo! Save us!

David adjusts his shades and leather coat, and charges.

MR
Ako rin!

Cue: SUPERMAN MUSIC.

They both charge at Muzzy.

DAVID
Use your rays!

MR
Use your shades!

MR emits a RED rays from his eyes. David raises his shades and emits GREEN rays.

The rays hit Muzzy. Muzzy GIGGLES.

MUZZY
Hi-hi-hiiiiiee!

MR
Prutas! Nakiliti!

DAVID
Let’s use our superhuman strength!

They charge with fists aiming at Muzzy.

But they bounce back. They try again. Nothing.

MR
Prutas!

They float in the air, thinking.

DAVID
[shouting down]
We can’t go through! He’s using some kind of protection!

Drew searches his pocket.

DREW
What kind? I only have a couple of Trojans here…

Both David and Mr lower themselves to the ground.

MR
Gumagamit si Muzzy ng mabisang shield! Masyadong malakas, di namin kaya!

JO
[suddenly entranced, Yoda-voice]
Dark is the force…. So strong, it is….so strong! … Calling me, it is…calling me…

Jo starts to walk to Muzzy, reaching for him.

Muzzy spots Jo, reaches for him too.

MUZZY
Dahh-dahhh…dahh-da!

Brinie stomps her feet, pouts and whines.

BRINIE
He’s NOT your Daddy! He’s MY Daddy!

JO
[entranced, Yoda-voice]
Me Muzzy needs…take care of Muzzy, I must…

ISA
SNAP OUT OF IT POPS!

Jo recovers.

JO
Naaayyy!

He runs back. Muzzy sniffs, reaches.

MUZZY
Dahh-dahhh!

JO
HINDI! HINDI AKO ANG TATAY MO!

Muzzy stomps, now angry. The stomping creates a mini-earthquake and everyone screams.

TONIO
[spotting Ana and Karren]
Hoy, mga mamamatay tao! Barilin niyo! Patayin niyo!

Ana and Karren climb the trees and start shooting.

The bullets merely fall to the ground. David picks up a bullet. Looks up, thinking.

DAVID
Why does that effect look familiar?

Muzzy pounds his chest.

CAT-O
Oh mahh God, he’s turning into King Kong! Ick!

Len Go perks up with an idea.

LEN GO
Quick! Grab a virigin! Sacrifice a virgin! That always works!

Everyone looks at Brinie.

BRINIE
[crossing arms over chest, haughty]
Not me, I’m betrothed.

Everyone looks at Jo.

JO
Wha-?! I’ve got KIDS for Christ’s sake!

Muzzy roars more.

MUZZY
[pounding its chest]
Muzzy es hambre! Muzzy is HAMBRE!!!!!!

CAT-O
Oh-mah-god, not good not good!

JAM
Why? What did it say?!

CAT-O
That freak of nature is HUNGRY!

All scream.

CAMS
All in favor of Val opening the mysterious hatch?

All raise their hands vigorously.

CAMS
Right, that’s what I thought.

*End Day 3*
---------------------
~ DAY 4 on the works ~

Author's Note:

Hello kiddies. First of all, I want to APOLOGIZE if I’ve offended (again!) those with “sensitive sensibilities.” More so with the religious aspect (Mama Mary statue), but if you watch LOST, the TV show, you’ll understand that the idea didn’t come from me (I’m a Catholic, and I do respect the Holies, believe it or not).

And, to the people who would most likely want to kill me after reading Day 3: Mikel – for the The Rebel/Rocker bit; Brinie and Jo – for the incestuous undertones; and Drew for making his character oversexed.

Oh and probably Henrik too, for making him sing :P

I can’t help it guys. The qualities of your characters are so interesting and so flexible, it’s such a joy to explore. Heh. And even I myself don’t know how the heck I end up writing their lines (Errr, NO. I don’t wanna justify Mea’s wet dreams about bananas). I just write what they tell me to :P .

Day 3 was pretty long and was a product of the Milennio storm, lots of rewriting and editing. For almost 3 days I was finishing this part in Starbucks. I wanted to cut it to 2 because it’s so long, but then I thought of another plot for Day 4. So what the heck!

If you find Day 1 plain crazy, Day 2 pretty hilarious and Day 3 just freakin’ insane, well wait for Day 4 and Day 5 (end). They’re just, whacked!

Once again, I want to apologized anyone in advance/belatedly. Although if you’re one of those literary types who can read between the lines and understand undertones, styles, symbolisms, techniques, and all that crap, then you’d know that I gave you readers some sense of retribution : you all wanted to kill VAL the VAMP. You guys were really out for blood. Eheheh. And well, “she” deserved it.

Hieehie. Till’ day 4 kiddies!


Xxxoxxx
Mr. Krueger-Smith
10-06-06, Thursday